for those who sit on the sidelines // 1.2021

Written in January 2021, this piece juxtaposes a visceral desire to be in the world with the reality of being forced to watch the world burn as others dance freely in the flames.

outside
the world
is alive
and dead
at the
same time

i stand on
the sidelines
wanting so
desperately
to join in
that i can
feel the
ache
pulse
through
every
inch of
my skin

all the while
knowing
it’s
a game
no one
ever
truly
wins

and then
it’s today
again

you'd
never know
there were
another
364 of them
between
yesterday
and
today-
number-
365

because
somehow
life is
paused
but
not the
passage
of time

and so
another
trip around
the sun
turned my
galaxy
into a
universe of
one

it's a
location
not unfamiliar
to a child of one
a child who
had a different
definition of fun
a teen who
had yet to discover
that it wouldn’t feel
this bad forever

an adult who
needed to learn
that life doesn’t
always live on
your terms

so i learned
to walk again
to talk again
to be able to
process a
thought again

and became
an adult who
it took a
brain injury
or five
to know
you need
to slow down
to survive

but
wasn’t sure
what
there was
to learn
from having
to manage
recovery
while
watching
so many
bridges burn

again
from
the
sidelines

again
left
behind

again
left
to
manage
as
temperatures
rise

never
understanding
the desire
to dance
in the flames
of a fire
that scorches
any hope
that remains
for
the
people
who
sit
on
the
side
lines
of
life
or
death
games